Life is how you live it...

I don't know when the change occurred, or why for that matter. Truth be told, I am thankful. The change is hope. It's an amazing feeling to have "hope", hope in the future, hope things will just get better. You wake up in the morning, easier. You go to bed easier. Life is just...easier. I didn't know I lost it, until I got it back. I think when you're growing up, hope gets tangled up in a swarm of other feelings. Hope is undoubtedly the most vital one. This new hope has given me reassurance, and confidence. I now remember who I was and why I began helping others in the first place.I am more comfortable in being me, then I have been in a very long while, before I would get defeated and allow this to cause me to be bitter. I remember when I was a little girl, never feeling defeated, always having assurance in my every action. I remember a trip to the doctors office when I was just four years old, and I saw a boy in a wheel chair and extremely disfigured. This boy, I did not feel sorry for; but when he was being made fun of by adults...I felt outraged. I got up out of my seat and said " he was God's child", and just thinking there was nothing wrong with him. That innocence is long gone, and the loss of it has gotten me trouble. I plan on getting it back, but the idea of "planning" on getting such a magical thing, well it sucks. In the mean time I will just allow myself a celebration for getting my hope back.

“Celebrate we will for life is short but sweet for certain” ~ Dave Matthews 

Just Say Yes

 When a person is hurt, they will instinctively put up an imaginative shield to protect themselves.  This shield will get you into trouble. I have come to realize how much I really need to grow up and learn to forgive and forget. It can be really painful, to turn the other cheek. If you eventually do; the healing process will begin.Eventually it will get easier,to just rise above all pettiness. Many life changing things has happened to me in the past three years, things that I haven't had time to heal or grow from. I have found, that because I didn't allow myself to heal; I ended up hurting others, and stooping to levels of immaturity that I would have never before. I think about it a lot, about the type of person I can be at times, and she is not who I want to be. I think because I realized this, I am beginning to heal. I have reached a point, where I just want to be a good person again. To be strong, and loving. There is a saying, that a person is who they are when they were a young child. As a child, I was compassionate, loving , gentle, and confident. I think that person still lyes within myself. I just have to patient and allow myself to recover from a hard past. Trials and tribulations mold individuals; my mold is yet to be decided.

Living well...

In every-bodies life, there is a person who has caused some sort of pain. Who's reckless and selfish thinking single handily destroyed any confidence you may have had. The truth is, that person didn't do a thing to you. You, yourself are in charge of your feelings. You have to be accountable. That's the difference between happy people and unhappy people. I had the chance to finally tell someone exactly the type of the person they were yesterday morning. I'd like to think I wasn't as petty as I am; and that I really didn't need to unveil there ugly persona. I had to though. I had to tell them who they were, why they were wrong, and prove...PROVE, I was right. After really thinking about it, I had done something I wish I didn't do. I had flawed judgement, and probably was just having a lot of emotions. Do I feel better? Yes, I saw how terrible this person was. I finally am able to rest. The point of this all, is to just tell everyone; WE ARE HUMAN. We need the feeling of absolute content. We need to prove that the way we feel is right. It's not a positive aspect of being a person. It's not bold or loving. It, just ....is.

To Have Loved and Gain

Falling in love is the most difficult thing a person can do. To truly love someone, you have to be completely self-less. You have to forgive and be accountable. You have to be loyal and thoughtful. Until you can do these things without thinking twice; you're not in love. Love is a serious sentiment; and today to many people throw it around with no real commitment. My partner and I had the rockiest beginning. We were tested and when we thought we passed, we were tested again. The moment it became real to us, is when we could say :"I love you" and not think twice. It took a long time. It took many fights. It took many tears. When it's right, nothing beats that feeling. Our son will have two great parents, who fell together...then fell in love. We took our time.

Bittersweet Motherhood

Nobody is ever prepared to be a mother, and when the glorious day comes that you, yourself will be a mother, it's surreal. You gather with your friends and discuss what you will do when your child tests your skills. The truth is, you don't know what you're going to do until about a second before you do it. For me the inability to plan is a huge anxiety, but exciting none the less. I learned through helpful advice that going through the motions can be beautiful, and I now agree. My baby turned three months old yesterday, and I couldn't help, but think what kind of mother I would be. I want my child to be happy. I was raised with a tremendous pressure to succeed and knows first hand how detrimental that can be for a child full of hope. I have always been successful in my life, weather it be academics or athletics. Motherhood is a different walk in the park. I can't be the best in the state. I can't have a 4.0, but I can give my little man love like only a mother can. Take life each day, and don't spend your time planning life away. That's my advice for being a new mama.